Discernment

I arrived at the Louisville Theological Seminary on Thursday April 24th, feeling delighted and open to what the weekend Placement Event would bring. I would be interviewing with two international sites, Peru and Guatemala. However, I had come having already made up my mind where I wanted to go for my year of service as a Young Adult Volunteer (YAV).

A women's health project in Hermosillo, Mexico had revealed itself a couple weeks prior to the YAV Placement Event. The site would be affiliated with the US/Mexico border ministries based in Tucson, Arizona. After talking with the site leader, I learned that if placed here I would visit small towns outside Hermosillo as part of public health initiative, developing relationships with local churches and community groups. I instantly felt connected to this possibility and was already planning out the year in my mind.

I convinced myself that God absolutely wanted me to go to Mexico and it just so happened to be a convenient compromise. This was an international site but closer to home than Guatemala or Peru, which seemed to calm my parents’ fears and satisfy my desire for cultural immersion.

At the Placement Event in Louisville I was excited to tell people that I had this special opportunity to work at a new site in Mexico. I would be a "satellite YAV" of the Tucson site and also a "pilot YAV" for this emerging health program. I felt proud of my decision and even a bit boastful. While others had to endure feelings of anxiety and uncertainty, I was coasting along with ease, convinced that I knew exactly where I was going. I was trapped in my own sense of uniqueness, thinking I could navigate this journey of discernment on my own.

During my first night spent at the Seminary I lay in bed, sifting through scenes in my head, the streets in Mexico, the church I'd be living in, the towns I would visit. I couldn't imagine myself in any other place. Needless to say, I was not incredibly interested in envisioning myself in Guatemala or Peru, sites I would be interviewing with the next day.

Saturday began with an early breakfast, an informal and uplifting worship service and eventually the first round of interviews. I hadn't slept much the night before and was very tired. I walked into my first interview for Guatemala and tried to show some excitement... but I couldn't. I felt dull and passive. While I was genuinely interested in hearing about the work being done in Guatemala and the needs of communities there, I made little attempt to find a personal connection.

With one interview behind me and an open afternoon, I decided to visit the Labyrinth on the Seminary campus, to center myself with God. While I may have felt less anxious than others, I still understood the magnitude of the decision ahead of me and the important choice I had to make. I walked along the circular path of the labyrinth, winding in and out, back and forth, eventually leading to the grassy center. When I reached the center I let out a giant exhale and allowed my body fall to the group, as if a carpet had been pulled out from under me.

The afternoon sun warmed my face and covered my outstretched limbs. I felt the ease of summer, the playfulness of childhood, the bliss of an open road and the trust of God all around me. Little did I know that I had only just begun the discernment process, which would soon require spiritual discomfort and a reassessment of my own intentions.

Stepping outside of the labyrinth, I returned to the "I know exactly where I'm going and nothing is gonna stop me" attitude. Despite my pensive journey through the labyrinth, I had surrendered nothing. While the walk had been thoughtful and relaxing, I didn't allow myself to entertain any new notions. In fact, I used the time to once again draft as much of the year as I could, visualizing myself in no place other than Mexico.

To confirm my choice, I decided to call the Tucson site leader to "touch base". He encouraged me the weekend before to reach out to him during the placement event if I had any questions. In fact, I did have one question. Put a little less boldly than this, I basically asked, "Can you guarantee me that I'll be placed in Mexico in my own special site...Pleeeeeeeease?"

After a short pause the response was, "Actually, I can't do that. It is against the discernment process to formally offer you a position before you complete your interviews." He kindly noted that there was nothing preventing my placement in Mexico and in fact he felt I would do well there. I thanked him for his thoughts and said I completely understood. But I tossed my phone to the ground and sunk into the earth, just outside the labyrinth, feeling deeply disappointed.

While I could have been grateful for what sounded like a possible match, instead I sat in a huff like a grumpy toddler because I didn't get what I so desperately wanted. And worst of all, I lay alone, keeping God at a safe distance, thinking this decision was up to me and me alone. I realize now that the greatest appeal of the Mexico site was the inviting possibility of self-sufficiency. I would live by myself and possibly have access to a car, allowing me to feel more free and independent, removed from other volunteers. In fact, maybe I wouldn't have to depend on anyone, especially God.

During this part of the discernment process I realized I had blocked out God's voice. However, God was with me whether I chose it or not. God was with me when I packed up my little bag and started walking away from the labyrinth. Crossing the campus grounds, I passed lilac trees and vines of wisteria, meandering slowly toward the student center and chapel. I found a pair of benches on a little hill under a tree of small white blossoms and settled down, still recovering from my less than ideal phone call - a conversation that was God's way of saying "Let me be a part of this with you."

God chose someone to explain this all to me, during a very meaningful conversation on my way back to the YAV lounge. Sitting calmly on the grass just outside our building was Jennifer, the Chaplain "on call" during the placement event. I had seen others seek out her council throughout the weekend and I thought, now is my time to ask and listen. So I sat down next to her and described how uninvolved I felt in the discernment process. Without much further detail she was able to make a remarkably accurate conclusion. Very simply she asked, "You like to have control, don’t you?" Without hesitation or defensiveness, I admitted, "Yes."

I think I was ready to hear this and also understand how severely my need for control limited the blessings of the discernment process. What is so affirming is that even when I thought I had stopped listening to God, God was still working in me. God was preparing me to seek an alternative. During my conversation with Jennifer, she invited me to just "let go." While other times in my life I may have resisted this concept and preferred to carry on along my own structured path, I was at this moment, finally willing to part with any agenda or desired outcome.

The following morning, I entered my interview for Peru with renewed energy and a thirst for the unknown. I felt invigorated and hopeful, curious and uninhibited. I left the interview with a feeling of joy and relief having let go of my need to work in Mexico. I completed the response sheet, including where I felt called to serve next year. Without hesitation I wrote Peru as my first choice. Later that evening my selection was confirmed through the Community Calling, where the other site leaders mutually agree where each YAV will be placed.

I feel my placement in Peru represents my willingness and readiness to let go of expectations, to listen to God and include God in my decisions, to be open to sudden changes of course and to surrender my own plans for something beyond my control. I am grateful for the opportunity to serve in this new place, a place with great need and also great spirit.